SHIRTERATE

Might as well face it, you're addicted to sweatshirts.

You've disrupted the world.

Now it's time to disrupt your outfit.

Who are these janitors on the front page of the New York Times?

Who are these janitors on the front page of the New York Times?

A cover shoot for Vampire Weekly?

A cover shoot for Vampire Weekly?

This sad teen in his dad's jacket is apparently a CEO?

This sad teen in his dad's jacket is apparently a CEO?

You're a rich white man.

You're used to being listened to. But while you're jabbering away, all anyone can see is your garbage shirt that you bought for twenty bucks and have been wearing all year, shoved nastily into your shiny off-the-rack suit. Why would you do this to your brand?

We're opinionated homosexuals. 

Your days are busy. In the morning you're going to a sympathetic tech blog to defend yourself from charges of sexual assault; in the afternoon you're explaining to your board why it's fine that you're dating a direct report in your organization. Well, you should stop doing all that, but at least you should stop doing that while looking like a fucking putz. That's where we come in. We're the gays of Shirterate. And we're the first startup with a target audience of rich straight men. (Haha, JK, we're not the first, we're just the first to say it.)

Whether you're being photographed for Cigar Aficionado or for evicting poor people in San Francisco, you deserve to look your best.

That's where we come in.


This is a picture of money, because, money.

This is a picture of money, because, money.

We're huge faggots. 

We have good taste. And we don't work for you, so we're not afraid to tell you that you look like shit. We'll tell you about your gross ear hair. We know that your pants are two sizes too big and look really weird, like you're secretly in a diaper. It's fine if you are, of course. We have no beef with plushies and furries and diaper kid roleplay. But we know about your bad shoe stank. Most of all, we know how cheap your suit is. Ew, why so cheap? And we'll remind you that shirts get tucked into pants. What's more, we know why no one will tell you. Because they hate you. I mean, we kinda do too! Behind your back we'll make fun of your down round, but to your face we'll be all "Oh my God, of course that tie makes your dick look big! Buy it!" Shit, we're not afraid of a little gay minstrel routine when big paychecks are involved. We'll be your best homo buddy all day long (rates below).

Free tip: Some sunglasses are cheap, and make you look like ass! Some sunglasses are expensive, and make you look like a rich person. Which would you choose?

Free tip: Some sunglasses are cheap, and make you look like ass! Some sunglasses are expensive, and make you look like a rich person. Which would you choose?

We'll make you feel good.

We know that stores are scary. Sometimes you can't tell if the clothes are for men or women, either! You probably don't even know where the good stores are! It's not your fault. There's always one more level of privilege to break into. You're just not there yet. And then every time you go into Louis Vuitton it's full of rich black people and you get uncomfortable and leave. "How are there so many rich black people!" you wonder. And where did all these chic Koreans come from? Wow, shouldn't someone gin up a startup that serves people who aren't white socially incompetent overly paid coders someday? Probably someone should. Big world out there. Oh right, the fashion world already did! Serving a diverse international crowd! That's why they make billions and billions of dollars. Unlike most startups! Which don't make anything! Haha! Right??? Anyway, you're too busy to shop. All that VC ass-kissing takes a lot of time.  

 


How It Works

Previously in this space we used a picture of Adam Frucci. According to Adam's lawyer, we regret the joke. Here is a picture of my gay face.

Previously in this space we used a picture of Adam Frucci. According to Adam's lawyer, we regret the joke. Here is a picture of my gay face.

Hi, I'm noted gaywad Choire Sicha, and I've assembled a crack team of homos that understand how shirts are supposed to look, and where pants are supposed to stop, and what belts are. We're not for everyone. We're only for rich men who have the good sense to pay for good taste. Look at my t-shirt! It's incredibly expensive, and so deliciously soft; so form-fitting, yet so casual. It looks almost like an ordinary t-shirt except it hangs perfectly at my belt line, never rides up, and never gets pit stains. It took me months to find this t-shirt! That's the kind of quality we're prepared to bring to you. What are you waiting for?

 

Let's get you started today. 

Name *
Name

 

Sample Rates

Email consultation: $250 per email. 

Facetime or Hangout consultation: $450 an hour, half-hour minimum.

Personal shopping day: $2000, plus travel (business class or better). 

Seasonal closet rotation: $4000, plus travel. 

New wardrobe special: $10,000.  

Payment is easy! We take Paypal, Venmo, wire transfer and probably Square, if it's still in business. Questions? Why don't you drop us a line today? Special circumstances? Just ask! Serious. 


Shirterate is a wholly owned subsidiary of The Awl.

P.S. It's pronounced Shirt-ayr-a-té.

P.P.S. JK! Or am I.

P.P.P.S. Seriously tuck in your shirt, you look like an animal.